Sunday, February 27, 2011

Goodbye America, I'll see you again sometime.

February 21, 2011

It’s official. Provided TSA agents don’t find a reason to keep me here, today is my last day in America. It’s only too bad I’ll be spending approximately 20 hours of it in and in between airports (the first 4 were spent thinking about the next 20). And Airports, in my mind, are not the most accurate portrayal of our lovely homeland. Now that I’m thinking about it, perhaps an airport is a more accurate representation of America than I would like to admit. I mean, I’m looking around at about a hundred laptops, cell phones and iPods, with a few miserable looking people poking their heads out from behind them occasionally to check the time and then let out a defeated sigh. Maybe I’m starting to wonder. Anyway, in only a few short hours, I’m going to meet my Love in Baltimore, and we’re going to fly over the ocean together to make a new life in Germany.
I’m not going to lie… I’m pretty excited. Granted, that feeling of excitement is mixed with a combination of a couple other less glorious emotions (ie, stressed, sleep deprived, and impatient).

But, before I continue this post, I’m going to send a message to the man in the red shirt. The one who has been standing literally two feet behind me (for the last 15 minutes) and reading what I’m typing over my shoulder… all the while unsuccessfully attempting to look unsuspicious, casual and nonchalant.

Dear  Strange dude in the red shirt,
            Can you possibly stand anywhere else in this enormous airport? I’m neither enjoying, nor entertained by your abnormally constant, blatantly obvious, and creepy stares.  I’d appreciate it if you either left, or sat down in one of the 10 empty seats right in front of you. I’ve looked at you three or four times in an obviously questioning manner in an unsuccessful attempt to display my annoyance and discomfort concerning your unnecessary and uninvited breach of my personal space. So now, I’ve resorted to just writing you a very plain and simple message that you cannot misinterpret. Back off dude. Also, while we’re on the topic, I might as well let you know that you might be esteemed extra creepy because of your mustache. The truth is, some men look wonderful with mustaches and others can often wrongly be mistaken for pedophiles or other sexual predators. I don’t know you, but I would probably categorize you into the latter group… but that’s mostly because of your abnormal social behavior and the weird way you are looking at me. We both know this place isn’t that crowded.
Insincerely,
Me.
     
 He left like 40 seconds after I signed it (insert semi-guilty little grin here). But seriously, I’m fairly confident that I know a real creep when I see one…

Anyway, back to America. It’s truly a swell place. I’m going to miss all those “only in America” things and people. However, I will not be missing our powder blue rental car, which we appropriately call the Blue P.O.S (pronounced bloo-pahs, usually accompanied by an annoyed growl or some other type of word of frustration). I will also not be missing the Auto Zone Monster Jam event at the Verizon Arena in Little Rock. It was overpriced and under awesome, and a complete slaughterer of all the childhood ideals one has of how amazing and incredible monster trucks are. The only thing entertaining about the entire show was the strange people in the crowd who seemed entertained by the pathetic trucks driving 5 miles an hour over previously crushed cars in a small, cement arena (I’m certain that you would have to be very drunk or less than 4 years old to even stay awake for the show).  But even if I think for a long time about all the frivolous things I’m not going to miss, the list of what I am going to miss is a hundred times longer.

Got to go- my plane is boarding!

1 comment:

  1. Ha ha ha ha! I think I have seen this guy before, is he in this video? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tLPZmPaHme0

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